Hello? Anyone there? Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve checked in. Here is a post I wrote a couple of weeks or so ago. Although I have fully recovered and no longer feel as I did then, I still think it’s worthy of publication if only to fill in the gap of what happened to me since Disney…
Yes, it’s been a long time fellas…I would apologize for the lack of updates, but believe me, if I actually took the time to write down what I was thinking the last few weeks, my thoughts would scare you and this blog would probably cease to exist…
Yes, I was this close on a couple of occasions to quitting running, and an ENTER key away from deleting this waste of webspace. Because what was the point of keeping a running blog when you’re no longer running right? To say my running and by extension my livelihood was in serious jeopardy became less of an exaggeration than even I was willing to admit to myself. And all it took for the dominoes to fall was a microscopic enemy smaller than the eye can see.
Yes, I got sick after Goofy. That in itself wasn’t so unusual since I often get sick after a big-effort marathon. But the kind of sick I got was so devastating that I lost my voice twice and caused me to be in a state of perpetual malaise that I couldn’t even fathom running. Not only so, but whenever I did force myself out to log a few miles, the effort was so lackluster and my pace so slow and unrecognizable to me that I regret even going out in the first place (which in itself was shocking!). And because it lasted so long and often in the absence of other constitutional symptoms, I merely assumed that I was just really that out of shape! And I thought that if I was going to have to struggle to run 7:15s for 10 miles, there was no way I’d ever run 6:20-ish for 13.1 or 6:40ish for 26.2 both of which I’ll need to PR by the spring. And if I don’t have it in me to improve or PR anymore, then I have no further interest in dragging myself out in the cold mornings to run, to train. What’s the point? I really could think of 10 other hobbies and projects I’d rather attend to. Do you all see where I’m going with this? The only trouble I see with quitting running was that I’d probably lose most of my friends, since an ovewhelming segment of my social contacts are runners in all varieties and forms… But I can make new friends right? In a way, maybe I’m due for a social circle change anyway.
Yes, I watched the replay of Meb winning the Olympic Trials on NBC and felt rather inspired since he’s the same age as me. Then I had a surprisingly fast 12 miler on a Tuesday, a steady 8 on a Thursday followed by a 23 with some new ultramates through 12 bridges on Saturday and 12 with the bro on Sunday. I’m starting to feel like a good runner again. Ready to train, ready to race, ready to dream the impossible: that I can be strong, I can be fast, that I can be even better than I was last year, when I nearly PR’d every single distance race I entered.
Yes, I am rearranging my life and refocusing on what’s important to me. I’m re-embracing my identity and developing my strength because just like Meb, at age 36, i don’t think I’m done yet. I’m not yet ready to give up the fight, to go quietly into the night, to accept mediocrity as the norm, to surrender to the fate that others have already assigned to me.
Yes, I’m signing up for races again…a 20K, a half, a 5K, a 50K, 10K, and a marathon all in the next 2 months. Some of them are near. Some of them are far. But I’m allowing myself to get excited about training and racing again and that’s the important thing.
Yes, I realize the road back will be longer than the ultramarathon I’ve signed up for. It will be harder than running 800s into a headwind in the dead of night. I’m well aware that many of my new friends and a few of my old ones will not understand and will try to persuade me to do something different, to slow down, to stop, to develop new interests, to be someone who they want me to be. I was tempted before and will be tempted again, but I will not waver. I will be focused. I will be courageous. I will be strong.
Yes, that is me. I am a little different. Don’t ask me to make excuses because I am done making them.
I survive because I run. I race therefore I am.
8 Responses to “Back to Being Me”
Sorry to hear that, Lam… I didn’t realize you were so sick you considered quitting running! Even when a person is really ill, it’s important to realize that it’s usually something temporary that will go away (with or without treatment), and that a person can usually continue running or other activities at a high level.
If you’ve been experiencing some unusual kind of fatigue, I hope you find out what it is and get it licked. I’m sure you’ve got quite a few PRs left in you.
It sounds like you caught a bug and some burnout all at the same time. It happens to everyone, and now that running is enjoyable again you can move forward and keep being you! Good luck with the recovery and training. Keep it fun!
out of shape? it’s been 4 weeks since goofy. i don’t think you can fall out of shape so quickly after rocking a 39.3 mile race…
i am only a little shocked to hear this. i do believe you said before at one point that you might quit running because “how much better can you get and what’s the point of running if you’re not pr-ing” (or something to that effect). i am glad that you are not quitting though. i still think you have an amazing talent and whether or not your are pr-ing, i hope you will always enjoy running.
i hope you don’t have any more mopey moments! i’ve had my share of them since nyc (in 2009… geeeeze) and it’s no fun.
I agree with Beth, sounds like burnout and sickness really stole your fire there for a few but I’m glad to see you found some inspiration to get you back out there and doing your thing! We’re so excited to have you in April for Lansing, prepare to runnerd your little heart out!
It is ok to not want to run, to skip a run and it is ok for running to not seem fun. Sometimes you just need a break, to step back and try something different or to even just be able to go home after work and read or to sleep in. All this is ok because one day things will click again and running will be fun, you’ll be excited to wake up early to hit the streets and excited to get home and lace up the sneakers!!
Lam, I totally understand how you feel! In so many ways…
Listen, I’m glad you’re sticking with running, and I’m glad that you got through that rough patch of what sounds like fatigue, burn-out, yucky bug, whatever that you went through. I think those moments when you question yourself and why you do what you do- they make you take a look deep inside, make you ask yourself some tough questions, dig deep and make you a better YOU. A better person, doctor, runner, brother, everything that makes you YOU!
I can totally relate with the “downs” and not wanting to come back to something that you used to love- it’s been a real struggle/battle for me at times with coming back from my running haitus and speed since being pregnant, and now since having Kara. It’s been 12 weeks, and I still am struggling to get my mileage up, get my body stronger, feel more like myself, feel confident I can do it, and do the work I know I need to do to make me a better person, mommy, runner, sister, and wife.
I’m proud of you for how you really did ask some tough questions, and you came out OK and found your love of running again. Don’t give it up, man. It helps to make you who you are, and cope with the crazy in this world! You inspire me and I definitely hope to run as fast as you someday. Hang in there man!
Way to go!
Glad you are feeling better, lam! I had no idea you were so sick and feeling that way about running. I’m glad you are not going to quit running. I feel like I am going through a similar thing – I can’t go all out with running because my little baby needs me to go all out for her – and I cannot do both. It’s ok though because she is obviously more important. But it is an adjustment and I’ve just resigned myself to the fact that I am a mom first and foremost. Perhaps I have seen my last PR,but I am going to go down swinging (I’m stubborn like that). I’ll still try to shatter previous records, but if I don,t then I’m going to try like hell to enjoy trying.
I get the whole burn out but what I really get is how committed and passionate you are about running. Just remember running has an ebb and flow to it, just like life. So do give yourself a minute to say, ‘eh, I’ll go run and be ok if it sucks’. Not every run can rock, sometimes they suck so you can have a good one later. You still are rocking some killer times.